What happened?

When did the shift of parental authority from leader to follower occur, and more importantly, how can parents get back on track?

Below are a few ideas on how to do it

Make your marriage the primary relationship in your household. Before all the kiddies came along, you were a couple, spouses! While the addition of children is a blessing, it doesn’t change the fact that you are married and in a partnership. In order to establish that you are the leaders too, you have to make your marriage exclusive.

Be involved with your partner in life, this will thereby make you the center of your kid’s world.

Single parents – Develop hobbies, outside interests, a circle of friends that separate you from the kids. You have a life, you have needs and you will be a better parent if you are not always available to cater to your children’s every whim. Too, you are setting an example. You are not your children’s playmate, you are their parent

Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Saying no and sticking to it is paramount! Your children must understand that your word is law. If you have trouble saying no to your kids, practice in front of the mirror. The children I see who are the most obnoxious and resistant to authority are those whose parents never tell them no and have not established their parental authority.

There’s only one sheriff in the house and it’s YOU!

Establish appropriate boundaries. Children should know and understand that they cannot have full access to you at all times. This precludes illness or special needs of a child, but by age three children can understand that there will be times when you need quiet or that you cannot attend to them. You require privacy, if nothing else than for your own sanity.

In my home, my bedroom is my sanctuary and children are not allowed unless invited.

Be a loving leader. You’re the adult and the center of your child’s universe. He or she looks to you for guidance and instruction. Take the reins with confidence because you know what you are doing, where you are going, and know that you will get there

Related posts:

1. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Parents
2. What Makes A Good Parent?
3. How to Be An Easygoing Parent

A comment or action by one of them practically turns into a war, with Mom banishing them to their rooms and demanding they apologize. Mom is worn out, tired of delivering lectures, pleading and scolding. Nothing works: not punishment, not grounding, not threats. Mom would like the siblings to be friends, but at this point she’d settle for them behaving respectfully.

If your kids are at each other’s throats and it’s driving you over the edge, here are five tips that might reduce the quarreling.

Repeat to Yourself – Love and hate are opposite sides of the same coin.

Siblings are frequently ambivalent about each other and thus they may express ambivalence in harsh words. One day your sister is so cool that you want to tag along wherever she goes. The next day you’re mad and tattling to your parents. As a parent, it’s difficult to figure out what’s going on, but if you remember that love and hate, while extreme emotions, are the opposite sides of the same coin-perhaps you’ll feel more relaxed.

If a brother didn’t care about his sister, he wouldn’t bother with her as much and that goes for sisters too. Siblings are bonded to each other and feelings run hot and cold. Strong expressions mean they’re trying to come to grips with complicated emotions.

Ignore the Commotion. Stay out of the Middle.

When teenage siblings get into a squabble, walk out of the room or leave the house. Do not comment on what’s going on. Ignore the commotion. That’s what the dolphin trainers do. They ignore behavior that they don’t want and eventually that behavior vanishes. When you comment, scold, punish you’re reinforcing the very behavior you don’t like. For one month ignore their quarrels and stay out of the middle.

Remain neutral.

Plug your ears, leave the room, turn on the music and sing loudly. When they ask what you’re doing say, “I’m taking time for myself.”

Don’t deliver lectures, after all, they know by now what is expected. If they start explaining what happened or blaming one another, say, “I trust you to work it out” or “The two of you are old enough to settle it yourselves.”

Acknowledge the Positives.

There’s a positive side to sibling fights and it’s a good idea to remind yourself and your kids what those are. Kids are learning the fine art of relationships. From negotiation skills and assertiveness, to compromise and standing up for oneself, they’re practicing these skills when they argue. Instead of hitting each other (never allow hitting) they’re talking it through.

They’re not perfect at it yet, but if they practice enough eventually they’ll get the hang of it. Tell them to keep practicing.

Use Humor. Use Music.

When the kids are fighting instead of scolding or jumping in the middle, try humor to get your point across.

Say something funny such as, “I’m so happy that you’re practicing negotiation with your brother.”

Even if they don’t think you’re funny, they’ll get the idea of what you’re implying. Tell them, “Let’s sit at the peace table and settle it.”

If that doesn’t work turn on loud music so that you can’t hear what’s going on.

Have a Heart to Heart.

When you can no longer ignore what’s going on, consider scheduling a one-on-one talk. Take your son to a cozy restaurant or go for a walk, and after you’ve been having fun, say something simple:

“Honey, I know your sister bugs you; is there anything I can do to help?”

Then listen to his response. Don’t argue with him.

Then say, “Honey, would you be willing to to stop calling her names? It really bothers me, so I’m wondering if you would do this for me.”

He may not agree immediately, but by planting the seeds of suggestion, eventually he’ll get the hang of it. Thank him for his consideration. Repeat this step with your daughter.

If you would like to learn more about stopping quarreling between your children, you can take a look at my S.T.O.P & T.H.W.A.R.T Siblings Fighting System guide.

Related posts:

1. Reducing Quarreling Between Teenage Siblings
2. How to Connect With A Teenage Son
3. Handling an Out of Control Teenage Daughter

Parenting is very challenging, because each child has their own unique needs. The best approach to meeting the needs of each child is to build a relationship with them from the time they are born until they leave this world. You should always consider how your actions will negatively or positively impact the development of the relationship. Here are 12 steps every parent should consider in building a relationship with their child.

Step 1 : Respect

Every parent should Respect their children in front of others regardless of their behavior. This will teach them how to respect you and others. Avoid trying to embarrass them in front of others in an attempt to change the negative behavior. It might work for the short term but long term it will backfire.

Step 2 : Effort

It will take great Effort to understand your child especially when they are making wrong choices. When a child makes a wrong choice, take the time to talk with the child to verify why the choice was made. Don’t accept “I don’t know” but avoid getting angry because the door of communication must remain open. They will tell you the reasons for their decision, when they are ready, if the relationship is healthy.

Step 3 : Love

When you child goes to bed or wakes up or comes home or telephone or e-mail you, tell them you Love them. Always give them a hug which will help them to relate to you and others. Avoid the trap of giving things to them to show your love. When you say the word, “I love you”, it’s more powerful. It’s sad to hear a child say my parents never tell me they love me. If you grow up in a home where your parents didn’t show love, you must not pass it on to your offspring. You have the power to change it.

Step 4 : Affirmation

Every child has the desire to receive Affirmation from their parents about the wonderful things they are doing. Praise your child for the small things as well as the large things they do well. When they make a wrong choice, parents make a big deal of it. Yet parents don’t do the same for the right choices a child make. It’s not always about the great things a child does but it’s about the small things that will lead to great things.

Step 5: Trust

This one is very challenging for most parents. Most parents believe their child will make the right choice when they are around others. The big problem comes when the child violates the Trust. When your child has violated your trust, never attack their character but let them know you are disappointed in their actions. When you are angry with your child’s behavior, communicate your feelings with respect.Let the child know what is required to regain the trust. Make sure you discipline them for violating the trust out of love and don’t go overboard. The discipline should be based on current actions and should not be used as a dumping ground for previous behaviors.

Step 6 : Inside

To build a strong relationship with your child, you need to know what is going on Inside of the child’s heart. In order to know your children, you need to spend time with each child collectively and individually. Breakfast, family dinner and church are great avenues to develop relationships. However, individual time spent with each child will give you an opportunity to build a deeper relationship. Every child’s heart is important. A healthy Inside is developed by investing valuable time with your child.

Step 7 : Opportunity

Avoid missing an Opportunity to support your child’s activities such as drama, field trips and sports. Do everything within your power to support your child. You also want to avoid getting too busy with activities which will drain you and the child. When you become too busy, your attitude might become unpleasant which could lead to damaging the relationship with your child. You must understand your limitation as well as your child’s.

Step 8 : Nice

You must show you child the importance of being Nice by modeling the behavior. When your child is around you, they are observing every things you do. For example, have you ever looked at your child gestures or manners and they reminded you of you. Your child is observing how you treat others. You will never be a perfect parent, but should desire to instill great moral values in your child’s life. If you feel you have failed your child, let go of those feelings, start over again by investing wisely in your child’s life.

Step 9 : Survive

With all the power you have within your being, never give up loving your child regardless of the wrong choices made. You want your relationship with your child to Survive. As a parent, you are training your child to be great citizens in this world. There are times when life is a struggle, and hopelessness as well as despair will overwhelm you. Don’t give up but teach your child how to survive with a caring heart and compassionate heart.

Step 10 : Honesty

Model to your child how important Honesty is in a relationship. This will grant them greater success in life. You will have great reasons to rejoice in their success. When you see your child being dishonest, confront them right away with love. Make sure you have all your facts prior to discussing the issue. Ask the child about a different choice that could have been made?

Step 11 : Intelligence

Use your Intelligence to deal with your child’s negative and positive behavior. Utilize various strategies to listen, understand and communicate to your child with wisdom. If you are experiencing problems with relationships within your family, don’t hesitate to get involved in a life skills workshop and/or parents support group. You are not alone; there are many parents who are in the same position. You have the power to make a difference.

Step 12 : Prayer/Personal/Persevere

If you believe in Prayer, you should pray often for your child and family. God wants you to take Personal responsibility to train your child because the family is the heart of society. When the family foundation crumbles so will society. Your must Persevere when you are down and up. Don’t allow life’s problems hinder you from maintaining a fantastic relationship with your child or family. Be encouraged as you apply these twelve steps in developing a greater relationship with your child.

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Do you have any children? If yes, have you ever learned about how to discipline them? Did you purchase any books about child discipline?

Child discipline is one of the most important factors on successful parenting. Parents who have good behavior and excellent self management skills children are successful parents. A child with good behavior knows how to respect the rights of others, which behaviors are acceptable and which are not, has good self-confident, and does not get too frustrated with the normal stresses of everyday life. This is not an easy task. Many parents already know about the importance of child discipline but they just do not know how and what to do. That is why every parent should learn about child discipline.

Here are 10 basics of child discipline guidelines.

1. First of all, you must understand that discipline is not same as punishment. It has more to do with teaching.

2. Be strict but not abusive. It means that you have to be consistent in your discipline method, or how you punish your child.

3. Think proactive. Before you act think ahead what is the consequences of your action.

4. Talk positively with love and care to your child. This is a good motivator. Tell your child what is the consequence of his/her misbehavior. Also tell him/her that you want them to be a good child.

5. Do you like to hear constantly what you have done wrong? Most of us do not like it. Same goes for children. By telling many times that they are doing wrong will tear them down. Praise and reward them whenever they behave good. If they always misbehave think of other techniques besides tell them that they are doing wrong. It is important that in disciplining children, we build them up rather than tear them down.

6. Set up a daily routine for your younger children and try to find a way on how to stick to it every day. I have a friend who set up a schedule for her children. Whoever misses any jobs will be marked as red and get less marks. A child who has lower marks will get less school allowance. By this way her children will try to get all their jobs done!

7. Be careful when using threats. You tend to say things you do not mean when you get angry. Too many threats will effect your child behavior too. They will learn from you and use your words to threat other people thus leads to bad manner.

8. Do not offer choices for must-do routine. For example when you set routine for them to get sleep at 10 pm, then you should say “It’s time for bed” rather than ” Do you want to go to bed now?”.

9. Experts say that giving too much command or repeating the same command is not an effective discipline method. You should give a command once and if not followed, then repeat it once again and warn him of the consequences for his misbehave will be. If still not effective, then apply the consequences.

10. Sometimes it is good to have calm down time. It gives benefit not only for your child but also for you. One of a popular discipline technique among parents is time-out. Time-out is a discipline technique that involves placing children in a very boring place for several minutes following misbehavior. It is an effective discipline tool when used appropriately. Make sure the place is safe for your child and no distractions.

The above guidelines are only a few of many methods to discipline your child. There are many methods but you have to know how to use them. Different method works with different behavior. Before implementing any methods make sure you have studied about it. If you are really serious in getting your child to be discipline, buying a few books related to child discipline as your guidance is absolutely a good action.

Related posts:

1. The Best Ways to Implement Child Discipline Through Different Ages and Stages
2. The Difference Between Discipline and Punishment
3. How Do You ACTUALLY Discipline Your Child?

Do you want to know how you can be a good parent?

When it comes to being a parent, there’s always something new to learn and experience. You shouldn’t feel bad if you don’t think you have it all figured out yet. It is possible to learn some tips from people who have been there before which can help you learn to be a better parent.

Here are 10 tips to be a good parent.

1. Express love and show affection. Sometimes parents just assume their kids know they love them but kids need to hear and see this from you directly. This doesn’t end when they start to grow up, either. Show your kids you love them on a regular basis.

2. Keep your child safe. Make sure that the child’s basic needs are met and that you take all steps to keep them as safe as possible at all times. You also need to teach your growing child proper safety steps.

3. Make them feel safe. It’s not enough just to be safe; you also want them to feel safe. Avoid threatening or menacing behavior or putting your child in situations where they will be fearful.

4. Listen to them. You are there to provide instruction but also to listen to your child. Listen attentively on a regular basis and give your child respect. This also teaches them by example to listen well to others.

5. Give order and structure. It’s important to provide structure and order in your child’s daily life.

6. Set boundaries. We all want our kids to love us but children of all ages need boundaries. Set rule and guidelines about what they can and can’t do. These boundaries will help them create their own boundaries when they are older as they grow into adults.

7. Have fun. Don’t get so caught up being a parent that you forget to have fun. Your children should see you laughing, smiling and having fun with them.

8. Be consistent. This refers to you as a parent and also to all sets of parents or anyone who gives the child instruction. Stay consistent so that your child doesn’t get confused about what’s going on and what’s expected of them.

9. Have bonding time with each child individually. If you have more than one child, you may sometimes feel that you are being pulled in different directions. It can be a busy job but it’s important that you spend time with each child one-on-one.

10. Parenting doesn’t end when they turn 18. Remember that being a parent is a life-long job and it doesn’t end when your children turn 18 or move out of the house. Continue to be there for them as they become adults as well.

As you read over each of these ten tips, you may feel that you do some of these already. If so, that’s great. You should try to do them more and more thoroughly when you can. This will increase the bond you have with your children even more. When you read the list, you will probably also see some areas that it can help you to work on. Make a plan to change these things and then commit to making it work.

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1. How to Be An Easygoing Parent
2. What Makes A Good Parent?
3. How to be An Effective Parent

There is a difference between discipline and punishment. I think this is vital to understanding your true role as a parent. Punishment is not always necessary when disciplining your child. But when it comes to child discipline, truly effective and appropriate child discipline, guidance is always needed.

Punishing a child is not the same as providing child discipline. Guidance and modeling your behavior with the desired behavior that you wish for your child is crucial for making a connection.

You can develop the key to bonding and finding a real connection with your child. All you need is the right tools and information. Knowledge is the key to the proper perspective when building a relationship with any human being, your child included. Do you remember when you were a kid and you were punished? This is a great place to start. It brings the perspective needed to the surface of your subconscious.

Things were very different in the past. Of course, this depends primarily on your age. The time period you lived in can also make a huge difference. Where you lived as well as how you and your parents communicated is also very important. Everyone says that they want to be better than their parents when they get older. However, many end up unknowingly making those very same mistakes. You do not have to.

Child discipline techniques and ways to discipline your child were pretty much all the same when I was growing up. Punishment was handed down almost as a birthright. It seemed to me to be more a right of passage than anything else. They were always telling me how easy I have it compared to them. They would also say things like, “If you spare the rod, you spoil the child.” I do not believe this and it is this very way of thinking that ends in destroying your relationship and building a wedge between parent and child.

Your habitat, or environment may have played a major role in how, or even if, you were punished or disciplined. How to discipline children throughout history has been a standard(in my opinion primitive) method, punishment. The methods of child punishment were the same as the different child discipline methods. In short, they were ineffective as well as one and the same. Punishment meant discipline and discipline meant punishment.

These perspectives are just plain wrong. They are also very ineffectual to acquire a real, genuine change of behavior. Well, for some kids they were effective to a certain degree. For the most part, the amount of punishment that children received just brought about expensive therapies later in their lives. Sometimes, while they were still children. There are child discipline methods available today that have little or nothing to do with punishment.

There are improved methods, (absent of punishment) for achieving desirable behavior from children, toddlers, and older kids alike. They were more than likely nowhere near as available as they are today. This is due primarily to the digital age of information. This age of digital information saves us time, money, and emotional frustrations and disturbances. Best for those who take advantage of these quick, much healthier, and much more effective, tips for child discipline.

Saving yourself the trouble of making a mistake can be as easy as the push of a few buttons. Our lives have been made so much easier that we have still not even counted the ways, as of yet. It truly is amazing. Had it not been for the applications available to us through computers and the internet, we would not be advancing in our civility and education nearly as fast.

You truly can benefit from all the information. There is always someone who is wanting to help you to solve your problems. Through the desire you have to enforce your decision to improve your life you can change the outcome. You want to improve your relationship with your child and you can. The importance of discipline needed for a child to grow will not be left out.

However, if you are not happy with punishment, you do not have to sacrifice the quality of learning self discipline or self respect. You do not have to except punishing your child or children either, there is another more effective way. Plus, you will get much better results regarding your relationship.

When learning how to discipline a child, always keep in mind your relationship and influence. Their behavior comes from you. They want to be like you. They look up to you. Use this instead of your authority as an adult. Better behavior is acquired through patience and understanding. You know the phrase, “You catch more flies with honey?” Well, in principle, as well as practice it works.

Related posts:

1. 10 Basic Child Discipline Guidelines
2. The Best Ways to Implement Child Discipline Through Different Ages and Stages
3. How Do You ACTUALLY Discipline Your Child?

It’s important to think about because the way you raise your child can affect his entire life, including his ability to have relationships with others. Basically, there are three schools of thought when it comes to raising children. In this article, I will explore all three and propose a fourth.

Your parenting style is usually determined by the way your parents raised you. Although this is a hard truth for some parents to swallow, if you’ve ever found yourself acting just like your parents, then you know that this is true. Unless you’ve taken the time to think about how you want to raise your kids and what you plan to do differently, then the method you’ll resort to is the one that was used on you.

Which parenting style best describes how you interact with your kids?

Authoritarian Parenting Style

Are you a parent who demands obedience? Do you forbid your children to question you? If so, you are an authoritarian parent.

With an authoritarian parenting style, there is no question about who’s in charge. The parent is the boss and demands respect from the child who is expected to obey without question. A child who disobeys is reprimanded, shamed or punished.

Drawbacks of authoritarian parenting :

• The parent’s relationship with the child is like master and slave. The child may be respectful of the parent, but primarily because he is afraid of him. Such a child usually perceives the parent as being cold and distant.
• A child who is coerced into good behavior may only act appropriately when adults are watching. Punishment doesn’t teach a child to be a moral human being–it teaches kids how to avoid getting caught.
• Parents who demand respect often do not treat their children respectfully. Such a child may grow up feeling bad about himself. Because his parents were not responsive to his needs, he may not be able to form healthy relationships with others.
• A child who is raised to be compliant may act robotically and be unable to think for himself.

Permissive Parenting Style

Do you let your kids run wild? Do you let your child make his own decisions and choose not to correct him when he is disrespectful or insensitive? If so, you are a permissive parent. This type of parenting is often a reaction by those who were raised by authoritarian parents and want their children to have a better childhood than they did. Unfortunately, like most knee-jerk reactions, this type of parenting is extreme.

Permissive parenting is a parenting style in which parents let their children do what they will. A permissive parent acts more like a peer, than an authority figure. Little is done to teach appropriate behaviors.

Drawbacks of permissive parenting :

• Since this child may have been over-indulged, he may grow up to be self-entitled.
• The child may not be sensitive to others’ feelings and may have difficulty forming relationships.
• The child may have problems in school.
• A child who has been encouraged to make decisions for himself that he has not developed the maturity to make, may feel confused, overwhelmed or paralyzed at the thought of taking action in the world.
• Like the child raised by an authoritarian parent, this child has not had a parent who acts in his best interest. As a result, he may feel that there is no one he can trust.

Authoritative Parenting Style

The final is the authoritative parenting style. (Today’s literature refers to this style as assertive-democratic.) This method recognizes that children need to learn to make their own decisions, but must be taught how to do so over time. Such a parent responds to the child’s needs but also teaches the child to be sensitive to the needs of others. Although authoritative parents have household rules which they expect their children to follow, they encourage questions and are willing to negotiate in some circumstances. This parenting style consistently produces children who are self-starters, perform well in school and get along with others.

Rather than being at either end of the spectrum, this parenting style is somewhere in the middle. Rather than being a reaction, it is a response to what children really need from us. As we practice being authoritative parents, our ideas about parenting evolve. While children do need a guide to teach them integrity, how to get along with others and how the world works, they also need a loving, trustworthy guide. Parenting is about connection and engagement. When you understand this, you can create a beautiful relationship with your child. I call this fourth and distinctly different parent style, connection-engagement and explore it fully in my book, Keepers of the Children.

Although during times of stress, we may unconsciously resort to the parenting style used by our parents, it is possible to unlearn this programming and raise children in a way that is humane and respectful- a way that resonates with your heartfelt vision for your child.

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1. Parenting Tips – Why Is Giving Choice Important?
2. The Biggest Parenting Myth – Smacking Is Detrimental to Discipline

This is the biggest and unkindest myth yet propagated on our generation. A quick sharp smack on the hand has worked for generations and still works for people who are brave enough to do it.

I would argue that a quick comparison between previous generations that used the smack and the current generation quickly reveals the fallacy of that argument. Our parents’ generation turned out with ethics, morals, manners and a commonsense approach to life whereas this current generation has, by and large, dubious moral values, few manners and a big sense of entitlement. Of course I am generalizing; there are modern families out there doing a fabulous job of raising their children to be moral and polite – kudos to them!

But by and large, parents have been failed by all the advice given by modern ‘experts’. The smacking myth has done the most harm for several reasons:

1. It lead to parents not disciplining their children until children were old enough to understand what parents were explaining. In the old days, parents started training their children before they could walk and children already had a basic grounding in manners and obedience by the time they started school!
2. Parents started waffling instead of disciplining. They warned their children endlessly and explained endlessly. The result of this was that children started to take their parents less seriously. This led to less respect and awe, vital ingredients in being successful parents of teens.
3. Parents discovered that timeouts and other methods were ineffectual and became very frustrated. The result of this was a lot more anger in the home and thus the potential for explosive situations went right up.

The Arguments Against Smacking

There is a lot of hyperbole out there these days about smacking which all boils down to these 4 arguments:

• smacking leads to child abuse
• smacking teaches kids violence
• evidence shows that smacking is pointless
• parents can’t be trusted to draw the line between discipline and abuse.

Smacking Leads to Child Abuse

Organizations make big outcries on a regular basis about the need to outlaw physical discipline and child abuse, but there is very little hard evidence to support their claim. Instead they use sensational claims to bolster their argument and make smacking such an emotive subject that the average parent dare not stand up and defend their right to discipline their children with a smack.

Smacking leads to child abuse and fatalities if parents are dealing with other issues such as poor parenting skills, drugs, alcohol or other deep seated issues. Parents like these are not likely to be deterred by rules against smacking. In fact, I would argue that modern parenting styles actually make it more likely that parents will be driven to anger and frustration and lash out. Old style parenting does not allow for arguing and disobedience so successfully avoided all the daily contentious scenes that so many modern parents have to endure. Modern parents are encouraged to always explain why a child has to follow a rule or why they are being punished.

All very well at 2 years but then you find yourself with several older children all demanding to know ‘why do I have to do that?’. How very exhausting to have to justify yourself constantly. And that’s just one instance! Add all the other bad advice modern parents have been given, and it is not a surprise to find parents lashing out. Understandable but not acceptable. How much better to find an easier, more workable system.

Smacking Teaches Kids Violence

With regard to the second point, children are not idiots. They can tell the difference between a sharp smack on the hand or bottom, calmly given, for an offence they committed, and fighting or abuse. I can speak from personal experience that neither myself or any of my siblings grew up with any tendencies to violence and yet we received many smacks on the hand growing up! If a smack is administered calmly without anger or frustration, then a child sees it for what it is – discipline. ‘If I break the rules, I get a smack’. They do not fear their parents’ anger or wonder what’s going to happen, because they know what the consequence will be. They know their parents will not get angry – the only question will be ‘am I going to get one smack or two?’ Logic will tell you that a smack that stings for a few seconds and makes the point quickly has a huge advantage over endless lecturing, time outs, ignoring, removal of privileges and all the other methods parents try to employ as a substitute for smacking. For most parents, these is not adequate substitutions, just poor second choices.

I have tested this theory out a few times by giving my children a choice between a smack on the hand and some other painless punishment, like no tv. In every case, they have immediately chosen the smack. It is unfair to make a child listen to a parent rant in frustration because they’ve told their child this rule umpteen times; it is unfair for a child to fear their parent’s reaction for having broken a rule; it is unfair to give a child a punishment that last several minutes/hours/day/weeks when you could have just given them a smack and the lesson is over; it is unfair that that the punishment changes from week to week because parents can’t keep track of what punishment they imposed. It is unfair that parents are expected to juggle all the possible consequences in their head for each child, when parents today are already feeling embattled and overwhelmed.

Smacking given calmly and consistently teaches a child firm boundaries that he, eventually, will learn to impose on himself. It is not about anger; it is not about hurting your child; it is not even about punishment for wrong doing – it is about teaching your child where their boundaries are. Your child will feel so much more secure and confident when they know exactly where their boundaries are, and the quickest and most effective way to do that is with a smack. It works like a circuit board telling a child ‘yes/no’ at every turn and allows them to quickly draw a picture of their boundaries in their head.

A smack is not violence and we should not allow interest groups to force us to group it with violence. If a smack is the same as violence, then we would have to put roughhousing with Dad on the carpet in that category too; hey, maybe even Dad’s friendly smack on Mom’s bottom as he walks by; and while we’re at it, all those games children play that involve a whole lot more pain than a simple smack on the hand, like Knuckles. Ouch!

Evidence Shows That Smacking Is Pointless

Firstly, these results are hugely dependant on how the study was conducted. Did they follow parents who have been using the smack forever or the occasional smacker, or worse, the parent who only smacks in frustration and anger? That would have a big effect on the outcome of the ‘research’. So many parents now only use smacking as a last resort when nothing else works where once it was used as a first resort. The result is that it is often delivered in frustration and anger, which invariably defeats the purpose of the lesson. If these are the cases ‘researchers’ use, then of course it will affect the outcome adversely.

On the other hand, historical and anecdotal evidence shows that smacking as the main tool of discipline has worked beautifully for years, and conversely, the removal of it can be shown to have led to a decline in politeness, respect, values and standards. Why? Because no other effective system has moved in to take its place. Parents have been left with ideas that sound great on paper but ultimately, do not work. Rather like communism – a nice idea that just resulted in chaos.

I only have to look at my own family to see how well smacking can work when used correctly. I remember at 12 years old suddenly realising that my parents had not smacked me in about a year. Indeed, they never smacked me again. They didn’t have to – I had imbibed all the lessons on behaviour and respect needed to be an acceptable member of the family and society. It was the same with my 4 siblings – somewhere between 11 and 12, my parents did not have any more occasions to correct them with a smack. Indeed, I can only remember a couple of occasions during the teen years when any punishment needed to be imposed at all.

Isn’t this what good parenting should be about? Training your children well so that you are not still repeating the same lessons in the teen years? Those years should be about preparing them for leaving home, about further developing ethics and character, giving them more independence and trust…you certainly shouldn’t still be disciplining them about towels on the floor! And the thing was, our family was not unique! Most of our friends were polite, obedient and respectful kids, too.

Parents Can’t Be Trusted to Draw The Distinction Between Discipline and Abuse

Normal well adjusted parents know where to draw the line. They are not trying to hurt their child when they discipline them. Even modern parents who tend to smack in anger or frustration are trying to teach their child ‘yes/no’, ‘right/wrong’, ‘good/bad’. If we demystified smacking again and taught parents once again to use smacking as the ‘first line of defence’ instead of the last resort, they would be able to regain control of their family -and themselves- again. It would be seen again as a training tool instead of a punishment.

A look at the people who do cross the line will show other factors at play – bad family backgrounds, drugs, alcohol, even immaturity. Lessons would be far more effective here than banning smacking. Occasionally, you will find a ‘normal’ parent who snaps and lashes out but I am convinced this would happen far less with an old fashioned approach where parents discipline immediately and train children to be obedient and respectful. These kind of parents are unlikely to find themselves in the middle of an explosive scenario with a rude, argumentative kid.

Summary

In conclusion, a smack has remained popular for so many generations because it is tried and true. A parent has to react instantly to successfully correct a child, and using a smack as discipline allows them to do so. No thinking about appropriate consequences, what did I do last time, did I use the same punishment for their sister, how long should it be for? Just a quick, immediate consequence that lets them know ‘wrong choice’. Experts keep trying to lump normal parents with child abusers, which is blatantly wrong and illogical. The average parent is just interested in teaching their children boundaries with the minimum of discipline. A smack is the minimum of disciplines. Modern parenting methods require explaining of decisions, time outs, removal of privileges, appropriate consequences, and so on and so on.

In this modern climate of disapproval, it is hard for parents to cling to the belief that a smack is an appropriate method of discipline. We have parenting groups, psychologists, government organisations all trying to tell us that smacking is not acceptable. Because a few people do abuse their kids, these groups are taking a blanket approach to any form of physical reprimand. Yet none of the reasons given hold true. People who abuse their kids will not stop doing so just because government and other groups say it’s wrong! All it is doing is taking a valuable discipline tool away from parents. And unfortunately, a lot of families are floundering as a result.

For when you remove The Smack as a discipline tool, what are you left with? Weak, ineffectual talking and equally weak consequences. The fact that parents are still dealing out ‘consequences’ well into their children’s teen years is proof that it doesn’t work. A child that is disciplined consistently and calmly from an early age should have well and truly learned his boundaries and rules of behaviour by the time he is 12. A well disciplined child would not dream of being disrespectful to his parents because the rules of behaviour are deeply entrenched after 12 years of training. Parents can’t effectively manage teenagers with physical discipline or even consequences. The basis of their control has to come from the awe and respect children hold for their parents. This is a rare thing today because awe and respect comes from seeing parents in control of their emotions, seeing parents as authority figures who always know what to do, seeing parents as all-knowing and all-wise, seeing parents as the source of laughter, fun, care – and consistent discipline. Modern parenting advice has successfully torpedoed a lot of those opportunities for developing awe and respect.

So what is the solution?

If your child is under 12, it is rather simple.

1. Resolve to never lose your cool again when correcting your children. Become a good actor if you have to. While you are learning to maintain that image of calm, learn to say ‘go to your room. I will deal with you later.’ When you are calm and in control, administer the discipline.
2. Resolve to use smacking as a first resort, not the last. Tell a child to do something once and only once, whether he is 9 months old (obviously have appropriate expectations. At 9 months, all you are trying to teach is usually ‘No, don’t touch’, etc.) or 9 years. Then calmly go over, repeat ‘no’ and smack their hand. Use force appropriate to their age. The smack should only be strong enough to sting for about 3-5 seconds.
3. Do not explain, argue or reason with your children. They’ve usually heard it all before anyway or are too young to understand.
4. Be consistent! This is a very important rule as it is fundamental to teaching your children their boundaries. If you decide you are going to warn once and then smack, always do that. If you don’t want to use The Smack, it is still vital to be consistent.
5. If you are starting over with children aged 13 and over, the same rules apply, except you are probably using privileges and consequences. It is usually too late to use smacking as a disciplinary measure. Choose a couple of consequences and be consistent. Write up a chart and group behaviours which will receive the same consequence. This is as much a reminder for you as your child. If your teen tries to argue with you or is disrespectful, send them to the toilet for a timeout. Sounds funny, I know, but it is effective because a) it removes them from the scene so neither of you can get upset, and b) it is so boring that they quickly calm down. Don’t allow them to come out until they are calm, apologise and get on with the job given.

Whatever form of discipline you choose, remember that children need to perceive that their parents are in control of their own emotions and impulses. That means, self discipline is even more important than what method of discipline you choose to use.

Related posts:

1. Parenting Style : Is Your Parenting Style Reactive Or Responsive?
2. How Do You ACTUALLY Discipline Your Child?
3. 10 Basic Child Discipline Guidelines

In the area of child discipline, parents need to be adaptable, understanding and firm when necessary. Disciplining a child needs to be age appropriate, and in this article we will explore the best ways to discipline children at the different stages of development.

An infant is totally dependent on parents for everything, and the only way to communicate is by crying. There are times when parents need to exercise extreme patience with a young baby who does not stop crying and not allow their frustration to control their actions. Even at this young age, parents need to set reasonable boundaries for a baby. Babies should never be shaken or hit. Vigorous shaking can be very dangerous for a baby.

When the child is around 6 to 9 months it’s important to demonstrate appropriate behavior to the child and clearly communicate what the expectations are. Always remember that the child learns through repetition. Even at this age there needs to be consistency from parents when teaching routines to children as it will help them understand what to expect. Children will imitate everything they see and so parents can start teaching them right and wrong by modeling that behavior. At this stage repetition, and consistency in teaching routines and modeling appropriate behavior is the best way to discipline a child.

The best way of implementing discipline for your children is by using positive discipline techniques instead of negative ones. All children need approval and attention and so parents should give it to them as and when they need and deserve it. Discipline is like teaching, and the best way to teach child is to approach discipline in a loving and positive way. Toddlers need and demand attention and are at a stage where they like to test the limits of boundaries that parents give them.

The best way to approach disciplining a toddler or preschool child is to explain the difference between right and wrong and why it is important to have discipline in place. It is very important for parents to be consistent and firm in setting limits but to praise the child for good behavior. Consistency in praise and being positive when the child demonstrates good behavior, balanced with consistency and being firm when the child steps over the limits set by the parents is the most effective way to discipline at this stage.

Discipline should never be seen as punishment. Discipline is not punishment, but is a method to teach the child their children in a caring way. By parents disciplining and teaching children in a caring way the child learns to feel safe and secure and this will promote the development of self-esteem and emotional growth. One of the best ways to discipline the child is to talk with the child about the consequences ahead of time. Choose a time when the child is content and receptive to a good conversation. Explain clearly what the expectations are and what the consequences would be if the child deliberately chooses to behave differently than the expectations. At the same time give lots of time and attention to children as they learn new things every day and it is good to give them opportunities to talk.

When parents have decided what the appropriate expectations should be in terms of rules and limits review them to see at regular intervals to determine whether they are reasonable fair and appropriate for the child’s age.

Communicate these rules clearly and consistently. Typically children have many questions and as a parent you should be in a position to answer all of the “hows” and “whys” reasonably. If your child is not following the rules that you have set, talk to the child and be patient. Talking will help in the child learn to explain their feelings and also give them an opportunity to express something that you may not have seen that gave the child a valid reason not to follow the rules. Always remember though, that praising the child for good behavior will always have a much bigger impact than giving consequences for bad behavior.

At times it can be difficult to remember that the role of a parent is not only to discipline the child. When children are going through a phase where they are testing the limits it can feel as if discipline takes up a large part of the time. Plan to spend some fun time with your child every day so you are not always focusing on discipline. Spending fun time interacting with your child will reap many benefits and you will certainly see positive behavioral changes develop as a result of giving your child quality time.

Related posts:

1. 10 Basic Child Discipline Guidelines
2. The Ways to Improve A Child’s Behavior – Part I
3. How Do You ACTUALLY Discipline Your Child?

There is a more than a grain of truth when people say that children will model their behavior on that of their parents. After all, the parents are watched and copied all the time. Parents are the role model for the children and often child behavior problems can have their origin in how parents behave themselves in certain difficult situations.

Observing child anger and violent behavior may alert the parent to what is happening and should start ringing alarm bells and force the parent to take action rather than burying one’s head in the sand. Sometimes parents are alarmed to find their children involved in hitting other children and siblings, cruelty to animals and maybe distancing from peers and figures in authority.

Let us take anger as an example.

How do parents behave when they have an argument or are involved in a very tense aggressive moment themselves. Very often, there is a moment when control is lost and results in violent action such as door slamming. This is sometimes accompanied by name calling and sometimes physically attacking the spouse.

The first tip in dealing with child anger is for parents to try to set the example for their children to follow. Ideally, the argument should take place in a place where children are not present at all but that is not always possible. We cannot program our fights to happen at a certain place and time! However, strategies such as agreeing to talk about it in a calmer moment, listening to each other and learning to negotiate are key elements to follow so that the child is not accustomed to shouting and aggression.

The second tip is to try to reduce the amount of violence coming into your home in the form of violent media, TV, video and computer games. The list is long and sometimes the violence and the way it is glorified on these shows is frightening to say the least. Child behavior problems have been linked to overexposure of this type of media.

The third tip is for parents to get help from various sources and it is always great to talk to the figures your child has everyday contact with, for example his teachers and counsellors. There could be common patterns of behavior which the parent and the teacher have noted are common both at school and at home. If you both agree on how they should be dealt with then that is a great way to start because it avoids a two tier system where certain behaviours are allowed at either school and/or at home.

These are just the first steps in learning some techniques and strategies in family therapy. Find out some more by clicking on the link below. Child behavior problems left unchecked can often lead to ruined adult lives, drug abuse and delinquency.

Related posts:

1. Anger Management Tips for Angry Parents
2. Dealing With A Child Who Lies
3. Parenting Tips – Why Is Giving Choice Important?