Here’s a question I received some time ago. I think it’s a very good idea for me to post the answer on the blog and share it with all my readers here.
Here’s the question:
How do you stop your child from talking back at you?
I’m getting increasingly frustrated at my 4.5-year old boy talking back with words like “Shut up”, “I’m getting tired of this”, “I’ll hit you back”, etc. He does not obey time-outs (would not remain in the corner).
Threats of spanking always result in “I’ll hit you back”. The only threat that sort of works is “I’ll call the police”. Overall, he is a good child and doesn’t do malicious things on purpose, but the bad language and general disrespect he shows me are unnerving.
I prefer not to use any sort of corporeal punishment. He spends a lot of time (every weekday) at daycare, and its possible some of the bad words are coming from there.
What do parents use nowadays to earn respect of their young children?
Here’s the answer :
You need to gently explain that we don’t say these types of thing in our house, that isn’t the way that we talk with one another. Because it isn’t a nice way to speak with one another.
Remind him that you don’t say these things to him, and then let it go. Try not to make it into an even bigger deal than it is, or he will just do it more.
When I raised my daughter I never hit her when she was growing up. I taught her that if she didn’t behave I’d take some thing away from her that she liked. And that she wouldn’t get it back if she didn’t behave. So that she learned that it is better to be nice and be able to keep toys that she liked.
Do not threaten your child with calling the police. You child shouldn’t ever be made to be afraid of the police. I say this since some day your child may need the police and you don’t want him to become afraid of them. You need to teach your child that police are their friends, when they may become lost or should there ever be and accident. You wouldn’t want your child to run away from some one who could be the only one that will help him.
You need to be very patient with your child.
You also do not need to earn your child’s respect, since you are the adult in the relationship. He is the one that should be respecting you not the other way around.
He has to obey your rules. You do not obey his so that when he doesn’t follow your rules, there will be consequences for his actions. Either time outs, which are no longer than his age. Like he’s 4.5 years old, then he would be placed into time out for 4 and a half minutes and no longer, unless he doesn’t listen. Then he would have to sit there a little more time.
Or you can take away one of his favorite toys, that he wants to have around him. Once you take it away, tell him that if he is a good boy and listens to you then he will be able to have it back again once he does what you say.
Once you take the toy away do not break weak and return it to him if he crys, or you will only be showing him how to disrespect you and how to get his own way.
You have to be strong. Put the toy in a closet where he can not reach it. Stay strong and don’t let your child manipulate you, the best to you and your child.
For more Q&A and information how to deal with a child talking back, go here.
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I would say look beyond your child’s behaviour and work out what he is trying to communicate through his behaviour. An adult could come home from work and say “boy that was a tough day at work, my boss really got on my nerves today and then the coffee machine broke”, a child cannot articulate his feelings verbally so will act them out in his behaviour. Respond with love to his behaviour not with punishments of time-outs and taking away his things – this will only make his behaviour worse as he will feel like no-one is listening to him. Punishments will cause more disconnection. Look for way to make that connection with your child.
Yes, that is the right approach ” one need to gently explain that we don’t say these types of thing in our house, that isn’t the way that we talk with one another. Because it isn’t a proper way to speak with one another.
Remind him that you don’t say these things to any one, Yes . Try not to make it into an even bigger deal than it is, or he may be tempted ” just do it more” or even cling to it.
I read your article on ‘how to stop your child from talking back’. My child (boy ages 6) tells me ‘no’ with conviction when I tell him to do something. I am gentle but firm. I do sometimes end up raising my voice (not shouting)
If I hurt him by accident, for e.g. accidently step on his toe, he automatically does it back to me. Eventhough I explain that it was an accident he does not accept it. As a result he finds it difficult to apologise. I am worried about his behaviour as I am a single mum and while I work in conjunction with the school, his dad had different ideas and refuses to work fully with us
For the most part, I agree: first tell the 4 1/2 year old you don’t use that kind of language, don’t accept that [behavior] in your house, etc. At that age it is somewhat difficult to reason with the child, but depending on the maturity level, possibly. However, I do disagree with the statement “you do not need to earn your child’s respect”. If you treat your child with respect, which translates to loving the child enough to discipline him, and do not let the child perform unacceptable behavior WITHOUT him realizing the consequences for those actions, you will earn the respect of your children. If you don’t give a child limitations, he will continue to look for them. If the child is persistent enough, and everything else you have tried doesn’t work, I do believe that an open-handed spanking on the buttocks may be in order. That in itself will go a long way toward your child obeying your rules. I am a grandmother with many years of experience in raising children and some imput in their children’s raising. This works! I also believe that the more you tell, scold, withhold, and just in general allow the child to manipulate the situation WITHOUT his/her reaping the consequences, the more he or she will continue to disobey. Tell the child once, maybe twice, then spank him or her. That will get their attention. If you wait until you, the parent, are so totally frustrated, stressed, angry, who wins?Yes, I’m “old school” but it worked for my generation. Today, there is no respect for authority, and the prison system is full of people who weren’t loved enough to have been disciplined.
The other important aspect I think has been forgotten is the reward when your child speaks to you respectfully. Praise your child when he or shemakes good communication choice and not focus so much on the taking away stuff. There should be a balance.