Teenage boys can move between energy and lethargy in what often seems like record speed. One minute he’s a bundle of non-stop motion talking and teasing, the next he’s slouching on the couch and sulking. Parents often don’t know how to connect with sons who are withdrawn one moment and totally absorbed with friends and activities the next.
Here are five ways to bridge the gap and stay connected.
STEP 1 – Respond Instead of React
When Rachel’s teenage son announced that his best friend Josh was smoking dope, Rachel reacted with: “You can’t hang out with him any more. I mean it. That’s it. I’m calling his mother. He is not allowed in our house anymore.” This knee-jerk reaction did not go over well and led to a big fight resulting in her son retreating to his room and refusing to answer her questions.
When a teenage boy says something you don’t understand, disagree with or disapprove of, the outcome will be more productive and results more satisfying if you step back, count to 10 or 100 and respond with a inclusive comment such as: “Are you worried about your friend?” or “What do you think about that?” or “Do you think that’s a problem?” or “What is your opinion about smoking pot?” Strong reactions from parents shut off and close down communication, while thoughtful, honest responses have the possibility of keeping your connection strong.
STEP 2 – Make your Home a Fun Place to Be
Teenage boys are drawn to excitement and adventure. If you want to stay connected to your teenager, you will want him and his friends hanging around the house. Larry stocks the refigerator with the boys’ favorite food and drink. He recently bought a video game that the boys spend hours playing. They even invite Larry to join them. Meg makes sure that there are interesting lively activities for them, including installing a practice climbing wall in the garage.
STEP 3 – Have Regular Outings for the Two of You
Sixteen-year-old Jeff likes pancakes. His Mom uses this to her advantage, and when she’s feeling disconnected invites him out to pancakes. Sometimes they go out for breakfast, sometimes it’s lunch, other times it might be dinner. The booth in the corner has become “Mom and Jeff’s spot.” In that booth is where they check in with each other without too many distractions.
They talk about everything from homework to school to girls. The time together is so special that they’ve made an agreement: they can invite friends to join if they both agree to it, but they can never go to that pancake restaurant without each other.
STEP 4 – Foster Individuality
Some boys move through the day in a whirlwind of activity, others approach the day calmly, considering choices carefully. Appreciate your son’s unique style. Relish the differences. Allow your son to be who he is without comparing him to others. Let him be who he wants to be. Let him be an individual even if his thoughts and actions seem different from your own.
STEP 5 – Show Affection and Tell Him, “I Love You.”
A boy wants to know that he is loved for being himself. Adolescence is a confusing time, and if you withdraw affection he will not know for sure if you still love him. He needs to hear “I love you” to know it. He needs hugs too. Sometimes this is confusing for parents because he also needs privacy and space. Maintain a healthy balance by showing affection and letting him have his distance. Do not embarrass him in front of his friends.
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