If your child has ever screamed at you, “I hate you!” you know how those three words can pierce your heart. If you’re like most parents, hearing that come out of your darling’s mouth can cause you to wonder where you went wrong. Some parents hear those words and scream right back.
Here are some healthy ways to respond.
STEP 1 – Be mature and do not snap back in anger
A child’s screaming “I hate you” is not a reflection of your parenting skills, but rather an expression of the anger your child is feeling for not getting her way or for not being understood. If you snap back, that doesn’t help the situation. Here is an example of a helpful response. “I know you want to play outside, and I can understand why you’re angry, but dinner is ready and you have to come in.” Then add, “Take a time out and when you’ve cooled down, come eat dinner.”
STEP 2 – Wait
If hearing “I hate you” upsets you, it’s best to talk about it after the frenzy of the moment has passed. The next day, in a friendly, upbeat manner you might say, “I understand that you were mad at me yesterday when you said, ‘I hate you,’ but in our family we don’t talk like that because it’s hurtful.” Give him another way to let you know when he is frustrated or angry with you.
STEP 3 – Accept feelings
Anger doesn’t disappear just because you tell a child, “It’s not nice to feel that way,” or “You shouldn’t feel that way.” Anger diminishes and loses its intensity when you accept the feelings. Then you can make guidelines for behavior perfectly clear because your child will be more likely to listen.
STEP 4 – Help the child with her feelings while setting limits on her conduct
Allow the child to speak out and understand her feelings, while giving guidelines of expected behavior. “It’s okay to be mad at me, but it is not okay to hit, swear, or say hurtful words.” Explain that while her feelings are natural, her behavior needs to be modified. Tell the child clearly what is unacceptable conduct and what conduct would be accepted. I don’t want you to say, “I hate you,” but you can say, “I am mad at you” or “I don’t like you right now.”
STEP 5 – Don’t Freak Out
Fantasizing about how much you hate your parents is normal. Being mad at your parents is natural, and a child may occasionally say, “I hate you!” but that doesn’t mean he hates you. Maybe they would like to hate you; maybe they think they hate you; maybe they’re mad at what you’re doing, but more likely what they’re really feeling are outrage and the humiliation of being small and helpless.
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