I know a mother who’s at the end of her rope refereeing her 14-year-old son and 15-year-old daughter’s quarrels. The daughter taunts her brother calling him a baby and a brat. The son makes faces, curses and hurls insults back. The siblings have been squabbling for so many years that Mom can’t remember if they ever got along.
A comment or action by one of them practically turns into a war, with Mom banishing them to their rooms and demanding they apologize. Mom is worn out, tired of delivering lectures, pleading and scolding. Nothing works: not punishment, not grounding, not threats. Mom would like the siblings to be friends, but at this point she’d settle for them behaving respectfully.
If your kids are at each other’s throats and it’s driving you over the edge, here are five tips that might reduce the quarreling.
STEP 1 – Repeat to Yourself
Love and hate are opposite sides of the same coin. Siblings are frequently ambivalent about each other and thus they may express ambivalence in harsh words. One day your sister is so cool that you want to tag along wherever she goes. The next day you’re mad and tattling to your parents. As a parent, it’s difficult to figure out what’s going on, but if you remember that love and hate, while extreme emotions, are the opposite sides of the same coin—perhaps you’ll feel more relaxed.
If a brother didn’t care about his sister, he wouldn’t bother with her as much and that goes for sisters too. Siblings are bonded to each other and feelings run hot and cold. Strong expressions mean they’re trying to come to grips with complicated emotions.
STEP 2 – Ignore the Commotion
Stay out of the Middle. When teenage siblings get into a squabble, walk out of the room or leave the house. Do not comment on what’s going on. Ignore the commotion. That’s what the dolphin trainers do. They ignore behavior that they don’t want and eventually that behavior vanishes. When you comment, scold, punish you’re reinforcing the very behavior you don’t like.
For one month ignore their quarrels and stay out of the middle. Remain neutral. Plug your ears, leave the room, turn on the music and sing loudly. When they ask what you’re doing say, “I’m taking time for myself.” Don’t deliver lectures, after all, they know by now what is expected. If they start explaining what happened or blaming one another, say, “I trust you to work it out” or “The two of you are old enough to settle it yourselves.”
STEP 3 – Acknowledge the Positives
There’s a positive side to sibling fights and it’s a good idea to remind yourself and your kids what those are. Kids are learning the fine art of relationships. From negotiation skills and assertiveness, to compromise and standing up for oneself, they’re practicing these skills when they argue. Instead of hitting each other (never allow hitting) they’re talking it through. They’re not perfect at it yet, but if they practice enough eventually they’ll get the hang of it. Tell them to keep practicing.
STEP 4 – Use Humor and Music
When the kids are fighting instead of scolding or jumping in the middle, try humor to get your point across. Say something funny such as, “I’m so happy that you’re practicing negotiation with your brother.” Even if they don’t think you’re funny, they’ll get the idea of what you’re implying. Tell them, “Let’s sit at the peace table and settle it.” If that doesn’t work turn on loud music so that you can’t hear what’s going on.
STEP 5 – Have a Heart to Heart
When you can no longer ignore what’s going on, consider scheduling a one-on-one talk. Take your son to a cozy restaurant or go for a walk, and after you’ve been having fun, say something simple: “Honey, I know your sister bugs you; is there anything I can do to help?” Then listen to his response. Don’t argue with him. Then say, “Honey, would you be willing to to stop calling her names? It really bothers me, so I’m wondering if you would do this for me.” He may not agree immediately, but by planting the seeds of suggestion, eventually he’ll get the hang of it. Thank him for his consideration. Repeat this step with your daughter.
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