We as adults are instrumental in creating environments that reduce conflict and in teaching our children skills for resolving conflict.
Below are helpful ideas for parents and professionals to use across a variety of environments.
1. Create an Environment that Reduces Conflicts
Rules and routines can avoid many conflicts because they set expectations for your child. There will always be toys and activities that allow only one or two of your child to participate at a time. By using rules and routines, you create a system that allows your child to share resources. Therefore, you reduce conflicts.
For example, allowing them to use the computer for 10 minutes when it is their turn on the schedule or let Bobby pick the family television show every other night.
2. Take Time to Calm Down
Your child needs to learn to resolve some conflicts on their own. When they have different opinions or are upset, a break from the situation may be necessary. You can teach them to remove themselves from the situation and discuss things when both parties are calm.
3. Use ‘I’ in Conversations
Teach your child to use phrases that help other children understand their point of view rather than blaming the other person. Often your child do not realize why another child is upset or what they could do to make the situation better.
For example, if your child is pushed by another child, encourage them to use phrases like, “I was sad when you pushed me” or “I fell into the wall and I have a bump.”
These phrases explain what happened and why it was upsetting your child better than phrases like, “You hurt me.”
When they use the “I” phrases they talk about how they feel which is hard for another child to dispute.
4. Take the Time to Problem Solve
If they have a difficult conflict to resolve, give them examples of solutions or help them think of alternatives. For example, if both of them argue about who gets to use the water fountain first, suggest letting one of them go first for the water fountain and the other one be the line leader (or go first next time for the water fountain).
Younger children may need examples of alternatives while older children may be able to create their own alternatives. Explain to them that compromise involves give and take and learning to find creative alternatives that satisfy both people.
5. Put Things in Writing
Whether making a list of possible solutions, creating a schedule of chores, or outlining rules for a game, seeing expectations on paper reminds us how to approach different situations. You and your child both can easily forget whose turn it is for chores and other household activities.
An easy to read schedule in a convenient location can reduce disputes about many roles and routines. If there is a dispute, work with them to brainstorm a list of possible resolutions. Then choose the best solution for all parties. This is a calming activity that teaches your child about problem solving and compromise.
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thanks jamie this informtion is so useful to me and other parents. i will share these tips with some of my friends.thanks
I like the part about taking a time out for myself to calm down.
I prefer to say You hurt me.
Important tips for parents and teachers in teaching children to handle conflicts. In school, I asked the children line up for the swing to count up to 20, so the one on the swing has to give his friend a turn. At times, adults have to intervene in their conflict but have to listen to both parties and act fairly.
Great Article Jamie, looks like this book will be a great resuource to parents with teenagers!
Great tips here. But the hardest part is trying to change the existing behaviour. In a perfect world, we’d have known all this info BEFORE having kids and start from scratch doing things the RIGHT way!