Children display a wide spectrum of anger—from a 2-year-old having a temper tantrum because she doesn’t want to sit in the car to an upset child who talks back to the teacher and picks on his schoolmates. Children get angry for all the reasons that adults get angry—fear, loneliness, disappointment, stress and hurt. Like adults, both boys and girls have trouble identifying anger when they feel it and difficulty releasing it appropriately once it’s felt.
Here are seven steps for healthy anger management.
STEP 1 – Recognize Differences
Girls and boys learn to express their dissatisfaction and frustrations differently. Girls are told that “nice girls don’t get mad,” so instead of expressing anger, they say, “You hurt my feelings” or they might cry. Girls in general are more indirect.
Boys learn that it’s not OK to cry, so instead of shedding tears when they’re hurt, they might punch the wall or start a fight. Boys confront each other directly and use verbal assaults.
STEP 2 – Recognize Signs
Three-year-old Carrie is tired from a full day at day care and when she comes home she throws herself on the floor and demands a cookie. Eight-year-old Shari is disappointed that her best friend got sick and can’t spend the night. She’s cranky and slams the door; she lies on her bed and won’t eat dinner.
Ten-year-old- Adam lost his favorite baseball mitt; when his seven-year-old brother walks by he throws a book at him. When his mom comes to see what all the commotion is about he yells at her to “Get out my room!” After her parents separated, 15-year-old Alyson began missing classes because she couldn’t get up in the morning. Her grades plummeted and she complained, “I don’t have any friends.”
STEP 3 – Recognize Degrees
When I talk with children and parents about anger, I divide anger into three categories: Little anger is momentary and specific; Big anger is intense and covers up feelings of depression and low self-esteem; Huge anger is rage and covers up deep emotional wounds. By understanding the different degrees of anger, parents have clearer ideas of what interventions might be needed.
STEP 4 – Teach Healthy Management
There is a difference between angry feelings and angry acts, and they need to be handled differently. Angry feelings need to be identified and expressed. Angry acts need to be restricted and redirected. Teaching healthy anger management involves both parts—allowing the expression of angry feelings while limiting angry behavior.
STEP 5 – Teach Expression
Sometimes it’s sufficient simply to identify a child’s feeling by saying, for example, “I know you’re frustrated about that assignment.”
STEP 6 – Set Appropriate Limits
When a child is acting in destructive ways, appropriate limits need to be set. For example, “It is not OK to hit your brother. No hitting allowed.”
STEP 7 – Redirect Energy
When 7-year-old Rosie slammed the door, her mother said, “Come tell me what you’re mad about.” But when Rosie kicked the cat, her mother stepped in and said, “I know you’re upset because you can’t play outside, but you can’t take it out on the cat. Go get a book to read.” By acknowledging the feeling, limiting the behavior and redirecting the energy, Rosie is learning healthy anger management.
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Great piece of step by step information Jamie. I’m looking forward for more of these in the future.
Jenny.